Wasted too much of my time on that stupid girl.

God, she wasn't even that cute, funny, or interesting.

Thank God.

My social life is dead.

X_X

I hates late winter cold. I never want to go anywhere.

So, it's been far too long since I updated this. Quite a while actually.

Nothing has changed, honestly. My life is still as dull as always. I sit around, do my work, still holding on to this dream of changing the world. The more and more I think about it, the more and more it seems like I'm trying to do something I can't. My life just seems like it's a constant state of failure and screw-ups. I don't know what to do, and that kinda freaks me out.

I would just like to be able to do something, and have it work out, but it never really turns out that way. Maybe there's a few bright spots, I guess, but those might just be my mind rationalizing. Overall, I'm fine, it just seems like nothing I really want I get. We'll see how it pans out.

Considering all the crap that people have put me through lately, I'm doing peachy. Maybe I'm overreacting, but sometimes I'd like to connect to another human being, but it never really seems to work. Either I shut myself off, or they shut me off. I mean, is it too much to ask for a person I could actually count on? I had a few, but I was wrong about them. It's way too easy to talk this stupid small talk, but I'd like to actually effing connect. There's been a few people, but they just kinda drift away. If I try and pull them closer, the whole thing just collapses. Perhaps I just need to get away, do some soul-searching. It just feels like every night I tell myself I'm going to wake up a different person, and everything will work out for me. And it never does, I always wake up this person I really hate, and the same old shit happens, just with a different coating. I'd like a change. I'd like to change who I am, what happens to me, I'd like to change my past, my future, my present. But, nothing really changes.

It's not this angst that I feel, I just feel tired. Tired of the things that I do, the things that people do to me. It's like that what I'm trying just isn't working anymore.

I would promise to be a better person, to change what I do, and how I act, but I know that would be a lie.

I swear, sometimes I get so pissed, I can't even fucking talk.

It's the fucking little things, you know? Hell, I don't even get a happy birthday hello or some shit like that. Yet, we're supposed to be such good friends.

And I still feel the need to try and offer you help. Don't know the fuck why.

Pushing away someone who cares about you. Real fucking wonderful.

I'm done with this crap. I'm done worrying about anything. I'm done fretting about what other people do. I'd rather live my life in a chaotic storm of emotion. I don't think I feel this anger anymore. I think it finally collapsed in on itself. Sure, I've still got issues, I still miss talking to Caitlyn, I still get frustrated with Renee, I still get irked every time Arielle opens her mouth, and Brandon has to be some white knight in her defense because he thinks she might fuck him...

I'm done. I just want to be the crazy, romantic, poetic, goofy, nice Fishel. I'm tired of being bitter. Gotta bury my hatchet against the world someday. No day's better than today.

The more I think about it, the more my path seems clear. Easy almost. Forget about her, move on, don't think about it, find something new, move the fuck on.

I'm trying to go down that path. But's not as easy as it looks.


Jesus, if I get through this, I'll have no fear of Hell...

Fuck.


I'm always the second thing in her mind.


Fuck.

So, I don't think this whole Renee thing is ever worth it. Yeah, she's pretty, yeah, she's funny, but one second she's proclaiming her love for me, the next ignoring me, and hanging over some other guy. It's not worth my time nor inclination. It's pretty easy though, I mean, I've got other girls I'd like to use that very same inclination with.

But, honestly, what the fuck is with women? Really? Are you all that goddamn moody and temperamental? I mean, Jesus! Life is a pretty long series of easy decisions. Why is it that I'm the only one who can ever seem to make up my mind about something? Either I'm some super bad-ass, or all these women aren't very bright.

I think I dated all the smart, sane, pretty girls I know. O.O

Eh. Maybe I can date one of them again.

I'll have to check my Rolodex...

How you doin'?

The play is over. The play is over. The play is over.

I had to repeat it a few times for it to sink in. Finally, I get my weekdays back. I might actually get a chance to do some work. To sleep. To just sit around in my boxers and watch TV. I might actually get a chance to see Caitlyn a little more. =D

It went well, I mean, we skipped some major shit in Act I, but besides that, it went so much better than I thought it would. The party was okay, but there wasn't even close to as much booze as expected. But, then again, the guy who was bringing the stuff got caught trying to steal it...so I can understand. My only complaint about the night?

My back and neck hurts. Must've slept funny on it.

Blech.

But now, the world? It's my oyster. Again.

The whole Renee thing blew up in my face...again. I flirted pretty hard, ending up making out with her...and some other stuff, then...wham, nothing. She's suddenly cold on me.

I don't give a crap.

That Olivia girl? Yeah, cute and interesting, but I never talk to her. It kinda sucks. But I'm not heartbroken over it.

I never talk to her in person, always online. Every time I call her, she never picks up. I'm supposed to be one of her best friends, but she never tells me anything anymore. I know nothing about how her life is going. I always try to talk to her, and she never tries to talk to me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the friend you tell that you care about, but they're the furthest from your mind at all times. Doesn't help I have unresolved feelings with her. I've never actually had a chance to work them out.

Because every time I call, she doesn't pick up.

That's the only one of these three that really hurts.

I hate not being charming around the girl I like.

I hate not speaking to the other girl I like.

I hate how the other girl I like treats me.

Goddamn. This stuff sucks.

Plus, the play. Too goddamn stressed to deal with this shit.

I'm tired of being the throw-away friend.

I'm tired of being the guy you tell all your problems to, and then you never talk to when things are going good.

I'm tired of being truly, the friend you never call. You never talk to. You never think about. I'm just really fucking depressed. Nobody gives a damn about me after I listen to all their problems, after I fix them. I want somebody that'll actually talk to me of their own goddamn volition, not with me forcing a conversation about me.

I want somebody to give a damn about me.

I'm tired of having no friends.

You know, hating everybody and everything is a tiring job. It's an odd combo of being alone, and having everyone against you. Every where I turn, somebody is pissing me off, doing something to fuck with me, or just irritating me.

Like, today, I can't count the number of times I felt like decking somebody in the face. I'm fairly good at hiding my anger, but, on days like today, it really bubbles through. And, for the life of me, I can't understand why everybody isn't as misanthropic as I am. I'm not going to say there's nobody that I like in the world, but it just seems like the majority of human beings are selfish, ignorant, soulless shells of humanity.

Or, really, is that what humanity is? For the longest time, I always thought the heroes, the poets, the philosophers, that was humanity. But, what if the good is not the rule, but the exception? Is humanity really the slop at the bottom of the barrel? Not that I'm saying that people can't change, and I really hope that they do...it just seems like a lot of people don't change.

Maybe I can't save the world. And that's a shitty thing to realize.

Fuck women, man.

Fuck 'em all.

Fishel has a new girlfriend.

And she's adorable.

So, French Club vs German club dodgeball. Germans outnumber us, and they cheated. We won 3-2. I screamed, yelled, jumped, dodged, dipped, dived, and dodged. I rocked it.

And, then, this cute girl talks and flirts with me. She gets a text from her friend, telling her to rate her from 1-8.

As she walks away, she giggles, and looks at me and says "By the way, I think you're a eight."

My response?

"Hey, is there a ten on the scale?"


"No, only eight."

"Then I guess I can't place you."


FUCK YEAH!

Really, honestly. I seem pretty nice enough. I enjoy making fun of people, just as much as I enjoy being made fun of. It's fun.

I give money to anybody who needs it. I always fix problems, and listen to people in their time of need.

Sure, I know a few people that I hope suffer in horrible ways, but, that makes me human. I'm tired of being a bad guy.


PS: This blog was originally about if me hoping that Sydney has a horrible future, and a miserable existence makes me a bad person. I decided that it doesn't.


Because she will. =D

And, today, I realized something. Look at this journal a year ago. Whiny little kid. Bawwing over some girl every other blog.

Look at me today. Nothing like that. I don't get hurt. I don't feel the need to attach myself to some female, and curse my life every time one stabs me in the back.

Forged in the fire, tested in battle. Fishel 2.0. And he's a badass.

Every single person I know has hurt me in some way or another.


Man, screw the world.

I want to be ridiculously happy as all my friends.